Someday's from sheer exhaustion and things not going quite right, I find myself feeling sorry for myself. Today was one of those days. I am constantly hanging on desperately to a glimmer of hope that things are going to go better than what I am told. Then I got knocked down again. It seems that so much of our process has been going at snail speed. I contacted a congressman to help get our USCIS approval quickly and today he called and said that he hoped to see it processed by the middle of February. This was upsetting because I hoped to be summitted to Nellie's country by the first of February. So in a moment I found myself anxious about what was coming next. I know this is a pattern for me something out of my control and I freak out. Even if it's only a few weeks difference.
You see, I can't help but feel like I failed. There are so many families in Nellie's country right now, and they all committed to there little ones around the same time we knew we were to bring Nellie home. But for some reason they are there and we are sitting here waiting, and waiting some more. I read there stories of meeting there children and realize how much Nellie needs us now. I read about other families and they talk about how they didn't realize there kids were going to be so small, so thin, so developmentally behind, so overstimulated when they spend an hour with them, how they love them so much but the smell from there rotting teeth is overwhelming. I just weep. I weep because I am so thankful that they are there rescuing there children and I weep because I'm not there yet rescuing mine. The longer we wait here the longer she waits there. She doesn't know that we are coming for her, my mind wonders how she makes it through each and everyday. What does she think about? These babies are survivors. They have to be, how else do they make it?
All I know is that when we started I knew this wasn't going to be easy. Everyday I remind myself this. Somedays I feel like I can conquer anything and then there are days like today that I want to crawl up on my bed and just cry. I just need to keep trudging. Hmm, maybe I'm a bit hardheaded and I haven't quite learned my lesson yet, trust Beth. He has it handled. Do not be anxious about anything, and pray. It will happen all in His perfect timing. So tonight, I am asking you all to pray. Pray for this whole process to bring glory to God. Pray for my anxious heart. Pray for our precious girl to stay strong. Pray for speediness. Pray that more orphans find families. Pray that our story touches someone else. Pray for the families in country. Thank you friends for taking the time to support us during each moment of this season. It is hard, but I know we will make it through it she is worth anything that we might have to endure.